December is here, Abroad Husband is coming!
It is almost that time of the year again when all our brothers return home from "the abroad". Soon, they will come from all parts of the world- America, Europe, The Philippines, Malaysia, South Africa and even Sudan- to celebrate Christmas.
It doesn't matter where they come from, they will come with a black American mixed with British accent. Even the ones coming from Sudan will come with pounds and dollars. Because the default currency for "the abroad" people is dollars. Abroad person that is spraying Cedis, is that one abroad person?
They will come to the village, and they will be at every ceremony spraying dollars and pounds. They will wear their starched laces and their original gold chains. I don't care the authenticity of the chain, but as long as it is from 'the abroad', it is original. They will bag chieftancy titles that ends with "Ego"- “Ite-Ego (Pot of money), Ome-ego ( Money maker)” etc.
They are the real MVPs. The Mr Steal-your-chic-and-convert-her-to-wife. They are always single looking for a wife at home. Yes, they are notcirculate, they come back home specifically to marry...
You have a boyfriend who is just a civil servant. Fresh young man who is just starting life. You think you love him until your mother tells you about Emeka, the "abroad guy" that just landed in town. Latest boy doing big things in dollar. She reminds you about how you both used to be really close friends before he left to 'the abroad' when you were just 3 years old. Mama tells you he wants to marry you. You take a look at Emeka and you see the glory of the Lord shining around him. You admire his British-American accent and his fresh money. You think about your boyfriend&the current economy and sigh- mtchew, "who young man with Dreams" epp? You suddenly start hearing the voice of the Lord telling you that Emeka the dollar boy is the right one for you. You suddenly realize that at age 23, you are no longer getting any younger and you can't wait for a man who is just starting life.
Emeka spoils you silly while he is in the village. You both keep in touch as he leaves for "the abroad". You don't see him again but you still talk on phone. You are now both engaged and you are happy, you are dating a guy in Indonesia with a British-American accent.
Two years pass, you've seen Emeka only once. Because body no be firewood, you have a side boo in your town who lubricates the engine since oga is not around, but you are still engaged. You are getting impatient. You were 23 two years ago but now you are 25, and you feel 35. You nag, whine, write three different please-hide-my-Identity messages to "Dear Amanda" and "Dear Joro" seeking public opinions on the situation. Sacrifice 2 goats as burnt offering to the Fadalurd above. After some months, your prayer is answered. He fixes a wedding date but cannot attend the wedding because of work. So you just do the wedding with his enlarged picture anyway. That picture of him on Facebook wearing a suit, that very one you like. That's the one you kiss when it's time to "kiss the bride".
After two years, no Emeka. You realize you are now a western union wife. Another series of Dear Amanda/dear Joro messages, burnt offerings and pastoral visits, God finally touches Emeka's heart to come home. He comes home for a few months to get you pregnant and go back. When he goes back, the real Lord of Lords- not your "Fadalurd" - decides to remember you this time and release you from your misery. You somehow realize that Emeka has two beautiful children with his abroad wife of 10 years now and they are living happily. The scales finally fall from your eyes. You have woken from your slumber.
After 300 posts cursing Emeka and other men specifically, you decide to join the Association of Online Feminists of Nigeria.
Dear sister, Kolewerk! You are not a feminist, you are just an aggrieved mega idiot who claims to hate men because of what Emeka and your fish brain did to you, and that is not feminism!
My dear Igbo sisters, Christmas would be here soon, i know the economy is hard and you feel tempted to run away to another country by all means but I pray sense falls on you. If you like, follow abroad husband and go. If you must follow, be very sure your papers are ready and you both are traveling back together immediately after the wedding if not, OYO is your case......
It doesn't matter where they come from, they will come with a black American mixed with British accent. Even the ones coming from Sudan will come with pounds and dollars. Because the default currency for "the abroad" people is dollars. Abroad person that is spraying Cedis, is that one abroad person?
They will come to the village, and they will be at every ceremony spraying dollars and pounds. They will wear their starched laces and their original gold chains. I don't care the authenticity of the chain, but as long as it is from 'the abroad', it is original. They will bag chieftancy titles that ends with "Ego"- “Ite-Ego (Pot of money), Ome-ego ( Money maker)” etc.
They are the real MVPs. The Mr Steal-your-chic-and-convert-her-to-wife. They are always single looking for a wife at home. Yes, they are notcirculate, they come back home specifically to marry...
You have a boyfriend who is just a civil servant. Fresh young man who is just starting life. You think you love him until your mother tells you about Emeka, the "abroad guy" that just landed in town. Latest boy doing big things in dollar. She reminds you about how you both used to be really close friends before he left to 'the abroad' when you were just 3 years old. Mama tells you he wants to marry you. You take a look at Emeka and you see the glory of the Lord shining around him. You admire his British-American accent and his fresh money. You think about your boyfriend&the current economy and sigh- mtchew, "who young man with Dreams" epp? You suddenly start hearing the voice of the Lord telling you that Emeka the dollar boy is the right one for you. You suddenly realize that at age 23, you are no longer getting any younger and you can't wait for a man who is just starting life.
Emeka spoils you silly while he is in the village. You both keep in touch as he leaves for "the abroad". You don't see him again but you still talk on phone. You are now both engaged and you are happy, you are dating a guy in Indonesia with a British-American accent.
Two years pass, you've seen Emeka only once. Because body no be firewood, you have a side boo in your town who lubricates the engine since oga is not around, but you are still engaged. You are getting impatient. You were 23 two years ago but now you are 25, and you feel 35. You nag, whine, write three different please-hide-my-Identity messages to "Dear Amanda" and "Dear Joro" seeking public opinions on the situation. Sacrifice 2 goats as burnt offering to the Fadalurd above. After some months, your prayer is answered. He fixes a wedding date but cannot attend the wedding because of work. So you just do the wedding with his enlarged picture anyway. That picture of him on Facebook wearing a suit, that very one you like. That's the one you kiss when it's time to "kiss the bride".
After two years, no Emeka. You realize you are now a western union wife. Another series of Dear Amanda/dear Joro messages, burnt offerings and pastoral visits, God finally touches Emeka's heart to come home. He comes home for a few months to get you pregnant and go back. When he goes back, the real Lord of Lords- not your "Fadalurd" - decides to remember you this time and release you from your misery. You somehow realize that Emeka has two beautiful children with his abroad wife of 10 years now and they are living happily. The scales finally fall from your eyes. You have woken from your slumber.
After 300 posts cursing Emeka and other men specifically, you decide to join the Association of Online Feminists of Nigeria.
Dear sister, Kolewerk! You are not a feminist, you are just an aggrieved mega idiot who claims to hate men because of what Emeka and your fish brain did to you, and that is not feminism!
My dear Igbo sisters, Christmas would be here soon, i know the economy is hard and you feel tempted to run away to another country by all means but I pray sense falls on you. If you like, follow abroad husband and go. If you must follow, be very sure your papers are ready and you both are traveling back together immediately after the wedding if not, OYO is your case......
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